How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize