I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
