yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
