I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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