I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
