I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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