Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
