I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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