Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
