I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
