I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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