When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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