I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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