we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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