bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize