upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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