EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize