fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
