OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
