I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
