she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
