mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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