I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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