I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
