you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
