My first STD was from a foam party
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
