this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
