my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
