Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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