sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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