So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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