Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize