my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
