just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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