thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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