i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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