Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
