our cab driver is having phone sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize