I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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