everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
