my phone needs a breathalizer
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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