You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
