i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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