I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize