me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
two words: eviction party
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
