Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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