When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
