last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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