Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize