Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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