my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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