I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My balls are so social today.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
