I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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