The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize