i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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