if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
