I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
