this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
