You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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