he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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